Empathy, Judgment, and Why Experience Matters

Walking in another person’s shoes versus truly sharing a similar or the same experience creates a deeper form of empathy – not just in the willingness to empathize, but in the ability to truly understand what is happening in another person’s life. Experience, not theory, is what truly teaches us.

Yet even people who have faced the exact same issue can struggle to show empathy in moments of need, as judgment often takes the lead. Empathy means feeling with someone – sharing their emotions from their perspective – while maintaining enough awareness not to remain stuck in that emotional space. Sometimes, sympathy – the capacity to feel for someone – is a better skill to reach for.

To make this more practical, let me share a personal example. This isn’t meant to judge, but to help illustrate the idea and, hopefully, offer you insight on how to become less judgmental.

During my recent job change, I met with several people one-on-one to say goodbye. One person I deeply respect and I went for a lovely Asian lunch, sitting in a quiet corner to talk more privately about my career transition. It seemed sudden to others, but this time I had kept my plans mostly to myself.

At one point, we began discussing the disliked boyfriend of his beloved daughter. It wasn’t that the boyfriend was inherently bad – simply that “he’s not good enough for her,” as this caring father put it. That’s understandable; good fathers want only the best for their daughters. It was the second time the topic came up, and it gave me the chance to gently challenge his view. I wanted to share an alternative perspective – one that might be more helpful than trying to convince his daughter to leave or see her boyfriend differently.

Often in such cases, we use logic to persuade someone – here, the daughter – that they are making a poor choice. From experience, I’ve learned that we never consciously or subconsciously choose something we believe is bad for us. We choose what we think serves our best interest, even if that isn’t objectively true.

To help my friend understand, I opened up about my own seemingly “bad” decisions in relationships. It wasn’t easy – it meant showing vulnerability – but it felt important. His reaction caught me off guard when he said, “Looking back, you must think how stupid you were.”

Thankfully, I recovered quickly – not because I’m exceptionally strong, but because I’d done the inner work to heal from that exact self-judgment. My answer was simple: “No, I don’t think that.” That response marked real growth, because a year earlier, I probably would have thought I was stupid. But judgment, especially self-judgment, isn’t helpful. Instead, I now see my past choices as opportunities to learn and become wiser. I’ve forgiven my past self, who was simply doing her best – just as many others do within their own belief systems.

To truly support his daughter, I suggested releasing the fight against the boyfriend – and, therefore, the judgment about him – because that isn’t what matters most. I encouraged him to empathize with her and understand the belief system driving her decisions. If those beliefs stay the same, her choices will too. Real change happens internally first; external change follows.

Practically speaking, they need to explore what she believes she gains from this relationship. What’s the “deal” for her? What does she get out of it? After all, we act only on what we believe is good for us.

Now, let’s look more closely at judgment and where it might come from. Here are a few common sources I’ve observed and experienced:

• Logical deduction: Someone’s decision makes no sense to us, so we judge because we can’t reason through it.
• Lack of understanding: When we haven’t experienced anything similar ourselves. For example, someone who has always been in relationships may not understand the deep longing of someone who has never been in one.
• Reflection of oneself: Judgment can mirror self-judgment. For instance, a perfectionist often criticizes others’ work harshly because they hold themselves to impossible standards.
• Place of fear: We sometimes judge harshly to protect ourselves – such as pointing out every “red flag” because of an internal trigger or negative belief.

If you recognize yourself in one or more of these categories – don’t judge yourself. I’ve been there, too. The more I’ve strengthened my self-worth, self-love, and inner peace, the more my perspective has changed.

When you catch yourself judging – either yourself or someone else – ask what’s really happening underneath. If your analysis feels natural, you take action, and then move on, that’s healthy reflection. But if you find yourself ruminating and trying to justify your judgment, it’s worth exploring what internal trigger or belief might be active.

Remember, from a place of love – and thus inclusion – judgment fades away. It almost always originates from within.

If you find yourself judging others (a common habit these days, especially online), remember it says more about your internal state than about the person or topic being judged.

More and more people are practicing this inner peace. When we do, we begin to witness the greatness – the love, harmony, growth, and joy – that become possible.

Take a moment today to give yourself grace, self-love, forgiveness, and inner peace.